Should Statements

What Are Should Statements? #

Should Statements are a common cognitive distortion that can significantly impact our thoughts and emotions. These statements often involve rigid and unrealistic expectations about how things should be or how we or others should behave. They create a gap between our actual experiences and an idealized version of reality. Should Statements can lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, and disappointment when things don’t align with our predetermined notions. It’s important to recognize this cognitive distortion to avoid unnecessary stress and negative emotions.

Example Scenarios #

To better understand Should Statements, let’s explore a few scenarios that demonstrate how this cognitive distortion can influence our thoughts:

1. The Perfect Job #

• Scenario: Mary recently graduated from college and landed her first job. However, she constantly tells herself, “I should have found the perfect job right after graduation.” She believes that she should be working in her dream company, earning a high salary, and having an amazing work-life balance.
• Explanation: Mary’s Should Statements create unrealistic expectations. By fixating on an idealized version of her career, she overlooks the progress she has made and the valuable experiences gained from her current job. This distortion causes her to feel dissatisfied and undervalues her achievements.

2. Parenting Pressure #

• Scenario: Mark is a new parent who constantly tells himself, “I should always have everything under control and be the perfect parent.” He believes that he should never feel overwhelmed, never make mistakes, and always have a calm and well-behaved child.
• Explanation: Mark’s Should Statements set impossibly high standards for himself as a parent. The reality of parenting involves challenges, learning curves, and occasional struggles. By comparing himself to an unattainable ideal, Mark feels inadequate, anxious, and guilty, ignoring the fact that parenting is a continuous learning process.

3. Academic Expectations #

• Scenario: Sarah is a high school student who frequently tells herself, “I should always get straight A’s and excel in every subject.” She believes that she should never struggle with any coursework and should effortlessly outperform her peers.
• Explanation: Sarah’s Should Statements create immense pressure on herself academically. By expecting perfection and flawless performance, she sets herself up for constant stress and self-doubt. Sarah fails to recognize that learning involves challenges, occasional setbacks, and personal growth through overcoming difficulties.

Identifying Should Statements #

Recognizing Should Statements in our thoughts is crucial for managing this cognitive distortion. Here are some questions to ask yourself when evaluating if your thoughts may be distorted by Should Statements:

1. Am I setting rigid and inflexible expectations for myself or others?
2. Do I frequently use words like “should,” “must,” or “have to” when describing my thoughts or behaviors?
3. Am I focusing on how things should be rather than accepting how they actually are?
4. Do I feel guilty, frustrated, or disappointed when reality doesn’t align with my expectations?
5. Am I overly critical of myself or others when they don’t meet my Should Statements?

By reflecting on these questions, you can gain insight into the presence of Should Statements in your thoughts and begin to challenge and reframe them more realistically.